Its hard to say that I am ready, because I don't feel like I have had quite enough time to simmer and baste in all of the wisdom I have had a chance to be around. But yet, their is that lingering voice, the moment that demands for you to shove it all and stand up. No Matter what, no matter parents, no matter friends, no matter lack of. You have to stand.
And I am so trying to stand, to control where I go, to steer my own ship, with Christ as the GPS. But it feels like I have such a drastic different opinion of how this is supposed to work.
I mean I could say to heck with it, and drop out. But I can't because no one would be pleased. I want to help others that is how I want to live my life, and that would be the reason for going to school, for creating a degree A place to be. But sometimes, the concept of my family and the speed and which they approach things makes the result somewhat sickening.
Honestly maybe graduating and moving will help ya know getting some distance some space. But I just am lost right now, not spiritualy God and I are doing pretty good, I mean I feel like we are pretty good. Honestly i think that is the only opinion that matters. But I am lost in who I am and what I am. I used to define myself by so many things... who I was in Lauras life who I was in Marks life who I was in Andrew or Jordan or Lynns life, and now since I have lost all of them I need to figure out who I am. Just me by myself. I know who I am in Christ and beilive me I am fine with who I am in Christ. I am challenged, and pushed. Laura has in of herself been a huge push for me.
But sadly there are some human parts of me that are struggling which is okay since I am human, I miss her, I miss us. I miss being able to talk to her, and her understanding what is going on in my life and what I mean or at least pertending that she does. So yes like Mom has said I am greiving, but it takes parents years to grieve their child whether or not they give it to God, don't I at least get 6 months?
It seems as if I would.
And now that she is driving shouldn't I get 6 more?
Its like digging your dead child up------IT BLOWS
But I have been told so many times lately that I am wrong, that I am emotional and that I need to just give it to God, that honestly I want to punch people in the face... I am expected to be the picture of perfect Godly Womanhood. And honestly I can not be that great with her right now and it seems as if I should at least get credit for acknowledging that in this situation I should get weaker brother rights. Because Laura isnt thinkign about beating the crap out of me.... So she is the stronger one--------
But then agains---I could so totally wrong sometimes I feel like I have to check if I am wearing the right shoes on the right feet---
-B
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